Gee, it's been a hot minute, huh guys?  I'm sorry I've been a big useless lump and haven't written anything in a dog's year, but the truth is I just haven't been all that grumpy recently.  Maybe it's because work has been relatively pleasant, or maybe it has more to do with the introduction of a man friend into my life (shut the fuck up, don't roll your eyes at me, you're just jealous!), but either way I just haven't felt all that inspired.


That is until yesterday.


When something occurred to me.


See, when I say that work has been pleasant recently, I only mean that my co-workers are fun and management is chill.  But let's be honest;  the holidays approacheth.  Somehow, customers seem to sense this, like animals smell fear, and they tend to get... uppity.  Not to mention that there's simply more of them, every day, more and more, all over the place.  The combination of uppity+ increased volume= super fucking agitating customer interactions.  


... K, so, obviously, I tend to think that almost any customer interaction is super fucking agitating, no matter what they say or how considerate they think they're being, but what I realized yesterday is that there are some very specific kinds of customer behavior that particularly grind a girl's grocery gears ( I really wanted that alliteration SO BAD).  For example:  

• The Mumbler

                    So, you're in the midst of doing your job, whatever that may be, and there's a customer beside you who obviously wants help, but instead of just asking, they hover around you and in their lowest, least detectable speaking voice, garble something about the product they can't find, as if talking to themselves.  Except you know they're not talking to themselves, they're hoping you will be attentive and caring enough to notice how vigilantly they are searching and will lend them assistance.  Fuck your face, dude, I'm not biting.  If you want my help, holla, otherwise you can keep staring in fained confusion until you pass out.  I'm busy, in case you didn't notice, so either shit or get off the pot.  For reals.

• Chatty Cathy

                   This is one of those moments in which I think; am I just being bitch? And it's absolutely possible that the answer is a resounding "Yes, you totally are," but I didn't create this blog so that I could not talk a bunch of smack.  That being said, I can't stand it when customers make product-related small talk.  It's like, seriously, I don't know why there's so much sodium in our fresh stuffed bell peppers, and I don't care.  I have no control over how our products are made or what ingredients they put in them, and I don't understand why anyone thinks that I do.  And it's kind of a sneaky tactic, I think, because in a sense they're sort of complaining, perhaps hoping that I'll pass their valuable tid bits onto management (not like they can really do a whole lot either).  But in reality, anything they say just gets filed under the "guess what this asshole said" category in my brain and that's about as far as it goes.  And there are some particular catch-phrases that have a sort of nails-on-a-chalkboard affect on me, like...
         
          - " Oh, looks like you guys moved everything around again..."
          - " Wow, they got you working really hard, huh? (not product related, but still really stupid... yeah, I work hard, it's my motherfucking job)
          - " Huh, this product comes from [insert undesirable country of origin here], wish you guys didn't do that..."

          Like, either complain to someone who's paid enough to give a shit, or shut your sound hole and leave me alone.  I am not your grocery therapist.

• The Possible Pick-up attempt

                  I don't know about y'all, but sexy is not a word I would ever use to describe myself at work.  Not only am I in an unflattering outfit, but I'm also usually covered in something food related, or at the very least bits of cardboard are clinging to every part of my body.  And I sweat.  A lot.  Not an attractive look.  So I find it disorienting when a customer could possibly be hitting on me.  You know the feeling.  They usually start out as a Chatty Cathy (or Chatty Carl, whatever the case may be), but they hang out for just a little too long, or the conversation takes a turn for the creepy.  Usually, creepy grocery banter involves something about how strong you appear to be, or maybe they just inquire about your schedule or ask an equally, I-might-be-stalking-you kind of question.  Here's the deal;  unless you're cute, and approximately within my age range, I don't need your advances.  Go pick up a barista at Starbucks or something.


... So I guess I'm still grumpy after all.  Good for me.  I knew there was some cranky in there somewhere, and I'm sure, come Thanksgiving, I'll only get crankier.  God bless the holidays.  
I encourage feedback on this one:  what's your least favorite form of customer banter?  Please share your thoughts with the class.